Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through
I’ve been a little down lately. And by lately, I mean about a month or longer. I know what triggered it and I’m a little embarrassed to admit– even vaguely– that I was so affected by it. When it happened, I acknowledged the sadness and the disappointment. I inhaled and held it. And as the days went on, whenever I was threatened by a flooding over, I would inhale and hold and inhale and hold and inhale and hold. Until there was no breath left. Until my lungs were full. Until the air stopped moving around me. I felt numb to it. “it” whatever it was. It had iced my veins. I thought this was better than the flooding over. It was better than that drenched in it. This feeling nothing. This wide-eyed and sleeping. This going through the motions. I’ve been planning and creating and building this organization. We launch on December 7th and I’m scared. And rather than allowing the fear to take root, I inhaled. And held it. So somewhere in that breath was fear and disappointment and sadness all mingling and codependent.
I thought quiet was better. I thought silence was better. And sometimes it is. I didn’t/don’t have the time for navel gazing and exploring. There’s too much to be done. The world doesn’t pause because you need a moment to catch up, Bassey.
And catch up I did. All the years I’ve felt disconnected from came rushing back. I’ve never felt “my age”. I’d look around at people the same age as I am and wonder why they were so grown up. Why the lived the lives my parents do. When did we decide to get husbands and mortgages? I’ve always felt a few years behind. I blamed it on the years I spent on tour. I blamed it on the illness. I blamed it on the New York City that I loved for encouraging arrested development. I felt this disconnect.
Creeping towards 40. And what to show of it? A few clips on youtube. A smattering of freelanced articles online. An absurd amount of tweets.
A frowning, yawning bank account.
I want the years I lost back. A proper do-over. There is no regret here just a lamenting. I just know a lot was expected of me. I know that I had been given so much. I know that the distance between what I’ve been given and where I am are disappointing to those who saw promise.
I saw my favorite college professor and he said what I know many have thought:
“Wow, Bassey. We thought you were going to take over the world. What happened?”
I don’t know.
The Siwe Project is my way of giving back these years I’ve wasted. At least without me here, there will be a legacy besides the brown, big headed boy who deserves a better version of this world. The only thing I have fit to pass down (to you) is this heart of a dreamer…
“But I want you stronger sooner/ want you kind and brave/want you unafraid to fight for what you believe and need/want you beautiful and free/want you nothing like your mother…”
I’m fine. I just need something to puncture my lungs.
I need to get this air out.
Return feeling to my limbs.
ttara
11/02/2011 at 7:36 pm
As one creeping towards 40 myself, I seem to have this conversation almost weekly, inside. I have to remember that everything that I’ve done is a trail leading back to where I was before even this. So baby steps are fine. I let expectations that I held high in my 20s go and realized that it’s really great to get up every morning and do something and then try again the next day. You are way more than you think you are even if you just went by how many lives you touch on the regular. xoxo
Shiv
11/09/2011 at 9:33 am
Please don’t scare me. I’m currently reveling in my own arrested development and I’d like to think I’ll never regret it. Isn’t all of it worth it – the countless nows that you’ve had that you may not have had?
Kitchen Butterfly
11/15/2011 at 6:28 am
Bassey, I ‘met’ you today, sitting at my desk in Port Harcourt, wacking Yam and ‘edi kai kong’. I listened to ‘Homewards’ and was wowed. I listened to your spoken poetry to your son (then unborn) and I lauded you for articulating my fears of motherhood (I have 3).
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Cry if you must. Let the bladder near that eye water but be determined to stand up….and smile, to wipe the wet patches and ‘start’ refreshed.
We can’t connect the dots going forwards….only backwards (Steve Jobs, Standford Commemoration speech – http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html)
Nick Bollettieri says ‘Every endeavour pursued with passion produces a successful outcome, regardless of the result. For it is not about winning or losing – rather, the effort put forth in producing the outcome. The best way to predict the future is to create it!
Today I’m inspired by you = please let that count for something! Stay strong and well
TheJennTaFur aka 2Serenity
11/27/2011 at 3:37 pm
God is holding your hand through this entire process. Don’t compare yourself to others. It’s true with the saying, “the best is YET to come” !!
Adiya
12/05/2011 at 1:28 pm
It’s never too late to leave a legacy. God dey
Hannah
12/11/2011 at 3:32 pm
A legacy is what you want it to be – your project sounds exciting, and as Adiya said – it’s never too late! Best of luck X