Facing a Fictitious Gun

by pronounced "ahhh" like a sigh

Wallah I felt the water in my head all night. -Suheir Hammad
Anxiety is like staring down the barrel of a gun, you’re not even sure exists.

Waking up in Lanham after 3 days in Philly is doing something to my heart. The night was restless. Anxiety worrying my bones most of the day and all of the night. When I do something, I try to release it into the universe and hope for the best. But that doesn’t mean that there is no tremble, no heart traveling between knocking knees and full throat. It only means, that what happens is what happens. The outcome is not my control. So where does the panic come from? Those anxious moments spent wondering if you said too much or perhaps too little. Not knowing if it will backfire or catch fire. Being at peace with your choices is not an easy thing when your brain turns over questions and invents answers like this. When everything that feels like comfort can morph into catastrophe. I’m learning to trust the action and the intent and allow the outcome to exist on its own.

It sounds like the right thing. It feels like the weight of the world rests at the base of your throat. It feels like if you don’t stop shivering like this, you might burrow yourself into the ground. It feels like if your stomach drops any more, you will trip over it on your way. Your heart is doing its best to keep you moving. To keep you soothed. To promise you that there is no life stopping here. It would do you well to listen.
But still the trembling, anxious breath. The fingers that can barely stay rested on keyboard. This is not how you wish to welcome morning. This was not how you meant to harbor sleep.
The good news is that I’m learning to manage my anxieties and not asking others to manage them for me.
I know I say it often but I mean it just as often: Never apologize for how you choose to take care of yourself.
I have no room or desire to apologize for that now.
Today is a holiday.
Tomorrow, I will have a lighthearted blog post.

There will be carnivals with Boogie. There will be phone calls recapping the amazing Nikki Giovanni. There will be poems written. There will be a need to move away from these days into calmer, happier, less anxious ones. I will share those with you. I need to get in the habit of blogging every day so that when my blog launches, I won’t be struggling for posts. I write what moves me and what I feel like I can lend my voice to. I’m not committed to any one genre though I’ll have topics and surprises.

Video interviews with my friends.
viral videos.
Still trying to find the bravery necessary to vlog and ustream on a consistent basis. When you figure out where that is located, let me know so I can get a cup.
Basseyworld live Philly is next Saturday. I want to tell you about Nikki and what she said yesterday but I need to hold it sacred. Basseyworld live New York City is August 6th. Three days after my birthday but celebrating Leos I know. Come to all or both.
The nerves have steadied since I’ve been writing. I’m ready to begin the process of this new day.
Love someone and mean it. Even if loving means you need silence and distance to exist in peace. It’s still love. Just quiet. Peaceful. Necessary. Not gone.
Soon,
B.
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