Brain Dumps, Pizzas, Killer GPS and Mercury’s ole Retrograding Ass

by pronounced "ahhh" like a sigh

I just woke up. 5:49. After a strange day yesterday and an amazing night to close, when I got home, I took a shower, finished my sashimi pizza (so good!) and I realized I was sleepy. I turned to a Pandora classical music station, set my alarm and fell asleep. It took about 20 good minutes and some meditative breathing but it happened. I woke up about 2 1/2 hours later because of a “startling” dream. It took me another 20 minutes to ease back into a comfortable sleep. Then another “startling” dream woke me up at 5:30. I figured, “okay. Normal people are getting up and getting ready for their day about now (right?) so if that’s the sleep, then that’s the sleep.” I’m just glad I got any and I didn’t have to watch morning from the wrong side like I’ve done so often this past week.

Yesterday was one of the strangest days I’ve ever had. I followed my usual routine got Boogie to school. Came home laid down for about an hour. No sleep, just laying down. Then up again to shower and go to Odenton to tape something (details later). Before I left for Odenton, I stopped by Manny & Olga’s (?) Pizza to order a pizza for the T-Mobile guys that helped me out the other day. After a day of mall hopping, I realized I needed to pay my cell bill. I went to the closest T-Mobile and the sign said they’d closed about 90 minutes before. I saw two guys inside and I begged and pouted and pleaded through the glass. I wasn’t really expecting to get in but I was damn sure going to try. They let me in and restarted the system and I paid my bill. I was completely shocked like, “Wow.” I was so grateful, that I promised them that when the two of them were working together again, I was going to bring them a pizza. They had that “awwww… c’mon, son!” look that brothers get when they just KNOW shit ain’t going down. I said, “on my word. Tuesday, I’ll be here with pizza for both of you.” I thanked them again and left. When I walked into the store yesterday, they completely lost their minds.

“Yooooooooooo! Soooooooon! She wasn’t for real. Yoooooo!” They started jumping up and down like little kids. The darker brother that favored a young, Omar Epps, was like, “I told you! She looked serious as hell when she left here! I told you she was coming back!” The other more AlB. Sure looking one, doubted, and he walked over and gave me a hug. It was amazing to see. Then they said, “ok. We gotta do something nice for you now!” I said, “Boy! I did this because you did something nice for me. This can’t go on forever.” He said, “But yo, for real. I wasn’t gonna even have lunch today. Like for real… like for real. This is love. For real.”

I told them, well, next time somebody needs a little help. Help them. That’s how you do something nice for me in return. They both hugged me twice before I headed out for my appointment.

I’ll tell you about that when it “comes out”. But it was pretty amazing.

Then the day got weird. I had some stuff to return to the mall I was at on Saturday. I was literally across the street from where my girlfriend had her daughter’s birthday party. My GPS and I got there on Saturday with no problem. Yesterday, for some reason, I got lost. I don’t know what happened, My GPS suddenly started yelling out street names that I couldn’t find. It froze twice and I had to reboot my phone. I ended up driving all over the place could not find a major highway. At that point, I just wanted to go home. Fuck the mall. Fuck everything. Take me home. I was lost for 2 hours. Until finally, the GPS started making sense and I ended up in some Narnia version of Bowie and took 450 straight to where I lived. I was exhausted and could only chill for like a minute until it was time to get Boogie. I had dinner plans last night and I wanted to be on time. I picked up Boogie, we stopped by “a fast food establishment” (Don’t judge me.) one that we’ve been to countless times, literally 2 minutes from his school. Boogie was telling me about everybody he’d ever met. (No. Seriously.) but he couldn’t remember their names. He said, “How about the lady who pinched me on my cheek like I was a spider and she had a brother and a sister and they had on the same shirt and we met them at their place from last year?” Yes. That was word for word quote.

For some reason, Boogie in the last few months has gone from everything being, “yesterday then last week and now last year.” Yesterday, last week and last year could all mean anything. Five minutes ago. An hour ago. Yesterday for real. Last week. Last year. Two years ago.  So I figured out FINALLY that he was talking about Mma Dionne and Siwe and Eric that we had dinner with at a chinese restaurant LAST WEEK! Then he went on another, “remember the boy who was a grown up and he had the shoes with the thing and then he was funny! He was soo funny, mommy! I laughed. Remember from yesterday?” (Elon James White again… last week.)

This went on for a few minutes until I realized, I had no idea where we were. This route that I’d driven literally hundreds of times over the years, I had no idea where I was. I was disoriented and confused and all I saw where houses and houses and houses. I was completely turned around. Boogie finally noticed and said, “Where we going? This isn’t the way.” and I said, ‘I know, baby.”

“Are we lost, mommy?”

“No, Boogs. We’re good. I just wanted to show you some Christmas lights.” This distracted him and he ooohed and ahhhed over this house or that one. Meanwhile, I’m literally shaking. I pull over and took out my phone, and had to get the GPS to direct me home. We were 3 minutes away. Just 3 minutes. I almost started crying. I was so confused. We made it home. I helped Boogs change into his PJs. Put his food on a plate (he refuses to eat from paper. He’s hella classy.) and then went down stairs and burst into tears.

There is something wrong. I have a doctor’s appointment this morning because I realized that I have not been right since the shooting I saw last week. I’ve been in major overdrive and running around and my brain won’t stop and I’ve just not been right. I know my body and brain well enough to know that I was rising into hypomania. The “crazy” part of bipolar II. A lot of people like it because it takes all the energy that you didn’t have when you’re depressed and turns it into some sort of Red Bull from the Gods fueled shit. But I hate it. I don’t like my brain running like that. I don’t like not having control over how I spend money or what I think about or obsess over. I hate it. No sleep. No food. no quiet moment ever. It’s like, let’s say your brain is run on a treadmill. “Normal” brains jog at an even pace. Something gets them excited and they run a little faster but they always go back to the jog. My brain goes from “treadmill is barely working” to “Treadmill is on the highest setting and your brain is running running running non stop.” Hate it.

Anyway, I pulled myself together and I left to go meet Dave at OYA. Called Tarana on the way to calm down. Still got lost twice. Once when I parked too far from the restaurant and had to double back. Then in the parking garage. Shut up. I had a great time with Dave. I love it when I connect with someone immediately. I’m drawn to certain people in this energetic pull and usually, when it’s real (and I know when it’s not. but that’s a story for another time or chapter in my book.) and he really helped put a good cap on my day. Until I got lost trying to get out of the parking garage. Stop judging me.

So doctor this morning. Then Spy Museum with Boogs. And hopefully, I can rest the next few days. I’m emotionally, physically, spiritually, shoppingly exhausted. And next week is New Year and I want to enter it calm. This past year started off with such a struggle. The hospital. The depression. The weird relationships with people that ended badly. I want to enter this next year, at peace and calm and wearing that bad ass dress I picked up last wee. OMG. Dress is soooo hot! But I’m having second thoughts about going to NY. I dont’ want to travel. I’m tired of it. I just want someone to come get me and take me somewhere and show me off and kiss me at midnight and then take me home again. Is that so much to ask?

Apparently so. Ok. I’m going to lie here and listen to Bach until 7:00. Then I have to get the kid up and to school.

This was boring. I really don’t care. After the year I’ve had, boring is a welcomed destination.

in rest,


PS. OH! I completely forgot to mention how my phone lost service for literally 4 hours. I couldn’t call anyone or return texts or use the GPS. It was insane. Even when I was outside I got that blue “NO/ghostbusters” symbol. Mercury’s ole Retrograding ass.