Ramble: Regrets? I’ve had a shoe.

by pronounced "ahhh" like a sigh

I don’t really do “regret” as far as straight up wishing certain things never happened. Now, wishing I’d done things differently? Well, that would be the albatross around my neck. I’m constantly reevaluating situations and wondering if I could have handled them better or wondering if I should have said this or not said anything at all. I’m very impulsive (Shocker.) and because of the illness, I have to be really careful because I do things without thinking about the consequences beyond whatever moment I have. I’ve been lucky enough to not have caused any serious damage to anything or anyone but it does nothing for my neurosis after the fact.

I’m disgustingly, annoyingly, obnoxiously neurotic. Not in that cute white girl in the romantic comedy way. No. I’m neurotic in this screeching, up ever 2 hours during the night plagued by something that might or might not have happened. Silence is deadly. I need a yes or a no. I can’t handle a nothing. Nothing means empty and empty means space and space means I need to fill it up with thinking and once I start thinking about something, it takes a lot for it to stop. A lot. And today, this container of cookie dough ice cream isn’t making the filling in of the blanks stop.

I’m feeling this disappointment. I’m not sure what I’m disappointed in or about but I am disappointed. I’m pretty sure the pieces will fall in place in the next few days but as for now, it’s just this abstract feeling. This Picasso of emotion. Everything misplaced and disheveled and no clue how to return the mouth or position the eye.

I don’t do disappointment very well. It’s too vague.

I’m fine. I just have a lot riding on the next 6 months and I wish I hadn’t have done this thing I did the way I did it. Because I feel like I shot myself in the foot because I was impulsive. I didn’t think out the consequences and by the time I realized that their would be consequences, it was too late. I was too “in it”. And I liked “in it”. “In it” was safe and quiet and well fed and peaceful sleep and warm and beautiful and exciting and wonderful. “In it” was a good place when I was in it but that doesn’t make it a place I should have entered. I wish I hadn’t have.

Still not a regret just a “should have done this differently”. The worst thing about the way my brain works is that I have this constant tornado of emotions and words in my head. Even when I’m fine. Even when there’s no mania, it’s still there. And it can make me a little nuts because I’m wondering which one of these things I need right now. And sometimes I pull out the wrong one. Anger when I should have pulled out empathy. Compassion when I should have pulled out absence. I stay a lot when I should have left 5 minutes before I got there.

Still not a regret just a “should have done this differently.” The best thing about the way my brain works is that I have this constant tornado of emotions and words in my head. Even when I’m fine. Even when there’s no mania, it’s still. And it can make me a better person because I;m wondering which one of these things I need right now. And sometimes I pull out the wrong one. Empathy where most would find anger. Understanding where most would find bitterness. Forgiveness where most would find vengeance.

I’ve been told this makes me weak. This search for kindness in even the most unkindest of places. Maybe they’re right. I don’t know. I just know that some days I’m glad that I am this way and other days, I just want it all to settle down so I can do things and forget them. Rather than attaching them to spaces and heart shelves and memory.

I have the worst memory in the world. It has the nerve to remember everything.

This made no sense. I’m going to take a nap.

Love someone and mean it,

B.

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