Ramble: Confessions of a Life Too Good or You Know Better, Bass
by pronounced "ahhh" like a sigh
I haven’t been taking my medication regularly. I find myself skipping a few days here and a day there and another day over there. I’m not sure why. For the past year, it’s been like clockwork. I keep a bottle of water in my bathroom and before I brush my teeth or look at myself in the mirror, I’ve got the pills in my hand and I’m swallowing before I’m fully awake. But the last few weeks, I keep “forgetting”. There’s no such thing as “forgetting” to take your medication. You just aren’t taking them and you might not want to admit why but there’s a reason. A real one.
My life is good. One amazing thing after another is happening and I’m a little overwhelmed. There’s a part of me that still buzzes like a mosquito in my ear saying, “you don’t deserve this.” and I bat it away and brush it off my shoulder and I smile and I keep it moving but lately the buzz is a little louder. I was stuck in airports for about 8 hours the other day and I managed to convince myself that it was my fault. It’s what my brain does. It goes from glitter to dust in a matter of seconds. There was a “thing” I was looking forward to for about two months, I built an entire story and conclusion around it and didn’t happen. There are probably all sorts of rational and reasonable reasons why. These things happen but my brain started buzzing, ‘It’s your fault. There’s something about you that makes this part of your life less than perfect. No matter how well things are going.” So the next morning I “forget” to take my medication and I write and I think about the fact that I hate it. I resent it. I’ve made peace with my illness but some days, I just want to be normal. I don’t want anyone to beable to Google me and see my history. I don’t want it. I’m not ashamed. I’ve never been ashamed but I do get tired. And I think I’m tired.
I’ll be fine. I’m always fucking fine but tonight I got some of the best news ever. Somethign that I could only dream about and I’m so happy and I’m so scared. Because the truth is I still haven’t figured out how to convince myself that I deserve this. I know E deserves it. The best of everything so these good things make tuition easy and his favorite black and white Chucks can come in a steady stream and he loves Wii dance games so these things means I can get that for him. But these things mean that I have less of me to give him because I get tired of my brain breaking. And I’m tired of always having to take pills just so I can not be like this anymore. It’s frustrating. I just want to be normal. For a week. I want one week, no meds, no conflict, no brain that breaks, no doubt just some regular ass life. And I know that I wouldn’t be me without that. So if I really had a choice, I’d choose things to stay the same.
But tonight, when the heat is breathing on my neck like a broken promise all I can think is, I need to know how to fix everything. Right now. Make it better. Be better. You were good last week, you got so much work done but this week, you have to do more and better.
And I know it’s not true. I know it’s not real. I know it’s just the chemicals in my brain twisting themselves out of reach of “okay”. So I’ll be fine in the morning.
But tonight, there’s going to be tears. Lots of them. And a swollen face in the morning. And before I brush my teeth, I will take my medication and I will call and reschedule the two doctors’ appointments I’ve missed and I’ll write about it. I’ll laugh about it. I’ll live.