When The Going Gets Tough

by pronounced "ahhh" like a sigh

I’ve been listening to a lot of Billy Ocean the last few days. I don’t mean, I play his greatest hit CD on iTunes once a day. No. I mean, that continuously from the moment I wake up until the seconds I fall asleep, Billy Ocean is on a continuous loop. I’ve always been a fan of his. Since I was little, I just liked the dude. I have no idea why. When I started listening to him recently, it was kind of a joke. I’d heard Lover Boy somewhere and went on Youtube searching for the weird ass Dark Crystal alien video that went with it. Then I started listening to some other songs and I was like, “Wow. I forgot how much I like this dude.’ from there comes the downloading of the greatest hits and well– you have me. Listening to this CD all day every day for the past 3 days.

I get like that sometimes. Something enters my brain and I’m completely obsessed with that thing for a week, if it’s extra awesome, a month and then suddenly, it fades slowly out of my circle of thought and it’s like it never existed. (See also: Beyonce’s new album, Les Twins, avocado toast, cooking– the list goes on.)  I do this with people too. I’m not proud of it. I’ve been doing a lot of self evaluation (evaluating?) lately because I’m getting ready for some important changes in my life. I have to be prepared to take on these huge professional and personal changes and I have to make sure that the things that have prevented me from these types of things previously, don’t rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune time. I’m not going to sit here and list all the things that would annoy me if I were my own friend (or something.) but it’s eye opening to see yourself through a clear and honest mirror. I’m working on making the changes. And accepting some of the things about me that probably will never change. One of which being that I am a complete neurotic freak. Ain’t enough medication or therapy in the world to change that. I just have to make sure it doesn’t completely get out of control. I’ve learned to check myself constantly and keep it contained. The urge I have to go overboard stays internal. So and so hasn’t contacted me in a few weeks? Okay. Now don’t get me wrong, I will freak out and come up with every illogical reason as to why not often ending with my accidentally insulting a personal friend while telling one of my jokes. (“Dude, I didn’t know Lil Wayne was your cousin…”) Now, I know that’s not true. Okay. I’m not sure if it’s true but the odds of it being true are slim to none. Now ordinarily, I would have apologized for this mystery slight that never happened just to find out what the fuck is going on?!?!? Now, however, I think these things, might even vent to a girlfriend or two, but for the most part I keep it and eventually shrug it off on some, “Well. Whatever. Everyone’s busy. Hell I’m busy. Let me get to my life. Get at me when you get at me.” See? Growth.

Kinda.

I’m taking a social media sabbatical. I’ve decided that blogging doesn’t count. These are my rules, I’ll change them how I like. I’m also not responding to emails unless they’re super important. I even have an away message telling folks that I’m unavailable until the 8th. Why the 8th? Why the fuck not. See? My rules. All jokes aside, I need a break. I have so much going on in the future, that I need to clear my head and my hurt and prepare for it. I need to be ready. Things are going to be huge. I’m being purposefully obtuse because I can’t give details. Just know that I have to be ready to handle the pressure and the stress with confidence and aplomb. Don’t you just love that word “aplomb” it makes me think of some sort of magical fruit.

My grandmother died.

I have to say that a few times a day because it really doesn’t make sense. She lived in Nigeria so every once in awhile, my brain convinces me that she’s at her house, tending to her farm and I’m going to see her as I planned in about a year. A year. I decided on a year. I didn’t know she didn’t have a year.

I know everyone says “live each moment like it’s the last” or “love the people in your life because they may not be around when you get around to it”? Wait… nobody says that. I think I just made it up. Well, there’s a saying like that and I can’t remember what it is. Point is, I’m taking that mad seriously these days. I’m all about grabbing for the highest thing. I don’t care what it is. I’m going for it. Oh, what’s that you say? I can’t so that? The hell you say. Watch me do it and then quit it and then do it again just to show off.

This blog is all over the place. Not tweeting has all these random thoughts that I usually put out there sort of just swimming around in my head playing water polo and shit.

So yeah. I’m good. Working on The Siwe Project. Trying to maintain some sort of balance in my mind, heart and spirit. Cleaning my room. Oh my God. I cleaned my room and threw away tons of stuff. Clothes and shoes and letters to old flames that I for some reason made copies of and kept. Weirdo. Yeah. Tossed all that. I don’t need that energy. Not if I’m trying to invite new ones. The past is the past. I’m ready for the future.

It’s 9:00PM and I’m ready for bed. Like I’m legit yawning. I’ve been waiting since 7 for it to be a reasonable time to sleep. See what happens when I’m not on Twitter, Facebook or g-chat? Fatigue sets in. I think doctors should study that.

I’m good though. A little anxious just because this project could be huge and I don’t want to fuck it up. But I’m pushing through the nerves. It’s too important.

Things are okay. Day one of internet (except blogging) hiatus has been a success. I have way too much time on my hands now so I’m going to start reading. Oh books. How I’ve missed you and your fragile paper pages. I think I’m going to re-ready some J. California Cooper. #YouCare (yes, I did.).

Tomorrow, hopefully, writing will happen. I have more to say than I thought.

Laters love bugs,

B.

PS. I’m okay with it and I get why it’s not as easy as most things and that’s why I want it. Because it’s not as easy as most things. Which means, it has the potential to be better. So don’t be afraid of how quirky, neuortic and adorable I am. It adds to my charm and trust me, your life will never be boring. Never.

That was an open note of sorts. If this was 7th period English, I would have asked my friend to slip it in a locker for me. I asked my blog instead.

See? quirky. Adorable. awesome.

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